What Color is the Wall?

I have not lost my ambition and for now I just need to "be", instead of "be more"!

I have not lost my ambition I merely needed to set it aside and like a china cabinet that's been sitting in the same spot against the wall for many years; there's a lot of dirt and memories that need to be attended to.

The caked on grime and filth of arrogance and vanity. The broken bits of memories and mistakes some new, some old. The bits appear to be purposely hidden, as if by a child afraid of what he's done, but instead by a man. Perhaps by embarrassment, most likely by pride. The cobwebs of self pity, blame and manipulation.

Now as I stand here speechless, motionless, and very sad at what I see, my aire of confidence becomes nothing more than air. And there in my sadness, as I stare, I begin to realize a horrible truth. I can not remember the color of the wall.

Contribution by ACE

Lesser Evil

I caught a part of "The Richies" season premiere. The basic plot is that a family of cons, The Mallorys, get into an accident with a wealthy couple, Doug & Cherien Rich. The Mallorys lead a life filled with scams and sucker punches. These nomads help themselves to the spoils, i.e. the keys of the Rich's posh suburban home.

The nagging thought of what happened during the accident kept coming to mind. They Mallorys were apparently in some dispute with another party, both of them were driving RVs and they were playing chicken, bantering back and forth. The Mallorys were in the correct lane while their antagonist was in the opposing traffic lane. The antagonist crashes into the on coming BMW with Doug & Cherien Rich. The antagonist continues on his journey fleeing the scene, while the Mallory's stop and go back to help. Cherien was killed on impact, her wrangled body lay outside the car. Doug has a severe injury and gasp a few labored sentences to Wayne Mallory, the father, before dying. The Mallorys happen upon the keys, not only to the home but to a new life for themselves. Apparently the deceased were new to the neighborhood so no one initially suspected the Mallory's scam.

Okay, here is where the line gets fuzzy, after they take the keys they push the BMW into a pond and watch it sink. I felt such a sense of anger watching this, it was an outrage. How could they live with themselves and furthermore involve their kids in this? Seeing those little hands on the trunk of the car pushing it into the pond, woke a righteous indignation in me. This just seemed to shout wrong on so many levels.

I made the comment to my husband that it would have been better for them to leave the scene than to make the Rich's situation worse. Is there a "lesser evil"?

Personal belief, it becomes a matter of the intention of the heart, the decedent depths of human heart are yet to be defined. Thus we are bound to the technicalities of the law, for it is only by the endless definition of the letter of the law, that we build the platform for our loop hole seeking lawyers. This slippery slope mentality seems to wage war in our justice system. He wasn't smoking pot because he did not inhale. I wasn't having sex with her because no penetration occurred. Where do we draw the line? Rather, should I say to some, "Is there a line?"

Forever pursuing the vanishing vapors of a value system. Should one dwell too long upon these thoughts, a sense of pessimism settles in. Thus my adherence to the law of the harvest, you reap what you sow, and the belief in karma, it will come back around. The higher power comes into play here, for ultimately all scores are settled.

Altered Realities

I was watching TV late one night and came upon a True Hollywood Story Investigates episode on Internet Dangers. The stories they shared were quite disturbing. They each seemed to be about people who all had an altered realities. Some struggled with online gambling, others with bullying, some with gaming, and even suicide support groups (where they encourage you to end your life).

I went to bed with many of their stories churning in my mind. The next day I couldn't stop thinking about what causes this obsession. For example one young man was addicted to Ever Quest and would not stop playing, for days. He become so engrossed that he eventually lost his job, his apartment, and had to move back in with his parents. He continued his behavior and his mom eventually sent him to a rehab facility. He seemed to be progressing and becoming more productive, i.e. he got a new job, his own place and was getting on his feet again. Once he had saved enough money to buy another computer he locked himself in his apartment for two weeks and did nothing but play Ever Quest.

His mother went over to check on him and he wouldn't open the door, she forced it open to find he had committed suicide at the computer. I found this so bizarre.

Another young middle school girl suffered a seizure in school to which her peers labeled her "retard girl". She started getting hate e-mail and scorned to the point that the mob rallied on a website raving about their depth of hate for her. She seemed so shocked that people could be so cruel. She believed what they said about her, there must have been something wrong with her. She lost herself in the dis pair of depression and had to start home schooling. After a semester at home she transferred to another public school. The problems followed her and she withdrew to the safe haven of her home once more. She had started therapy and decided to change her mental state, and not allow the bullies to win. Some time passed and she finally adjusted to a private school.

In both instances these individuals unplugged from reality and entered a state of altered reality. Some people use substances while others follow false belief systems. The young man believed that he was accepted in the gaming world, he had status and was a part of a guild whose joint venture to defeat the demons of Ever Quest united them. This experience offered such gratification to his need for social interaction and acceptance. Real life seemed to fall short. He chose to accept the illusion as reality and stayed there.

The middle school girl had normal social interaction but allowed the bullies online to give her a construed view of herself. She believed their slurs and accepted what they said. She eventually gave herself to the task of dispelling their snide remarks. This self-justification engulfed her mind, time, and energy. Her life purpose became to correct what others thought about her, rather than focusing on what she knew to be true of herself.

Perhaps the common denominator is that these individuals believed something about themselves that was not true. To their favor or falter they plunged themselves into an altered reality. Perhaps it is time to evaluate how we ourselves accept reality, or false belief systems. The power of projection has been a common theme in my recent thoughts, this seems to emphasize how important our mental state is, yet again.

Perceived Truth

In my profile I stated, "I am a truth seeker while holding fast to the belief that it is unattainable". A recent comment sparked some mental juices that I wish to elaborate upon.

Truth is never fully understood, yet each level yeilds it's own reward. Even a major revelation for you today will seem a trivial fact in years to come, or so I would hope. Truth can be seen in everyday life ironically, in the simplist of things for example, a child's development.

As a child matures physically so it is for our minds, hearts, souls, and understanding of truth. Fully grasping truth is impossible yet it's pursuit is a reward unto itself. Perhaps this explains my approach to religion. Why is it that each claims to be THE authority on truth while casting stones at others. We are not in a war tallied by how many people attend our church or take our creed.

Rather let us be surrounded by individuals who have an open mind and pursue deeper truths by learning what each denomination, sect, or school of thought has to offer. Fellow "truth seekers", would you drop a line? May this blog become our forum and perhaps we can each draw stength and enlightenment.

-Pilgrim

Heart Cry

This weekend I did the usual laundry and had some play time with my little princesses. They sat in the living room watching the Little People animals slide down and fall from a tree. The background noise of Aladdin was the backdrop to our peaceful afternoon.

My mind wandered to the Middle East Crisis. I know that the perspectives are varied and some heated, yet I know that losses have occured on both sides. Mothers have lost their children, children have lost their parents, husbands have lost their wives, and sisters their siblings. My heart hurts for the pain that inflicts their lives. Not only today, yesterday, but for the many years of happenings. For as long as I can remember there has been some conflict, tension, occurance, etc.

To your hurt and loss I offer my tears and heart cry. May God grant us the wisdom to difuse the situation, may he lead those in power to put aside private agendas.

Trinity and Arianna slept last night tucked away in their cozy beds. Peaceful, quiet, resting undisturbed. I wish this for you, our hurting brothers, a safe place for you and your children.

The Inaugural Address

Fellow Bloggers, this website is a God send. I have been searching for a place to share my randomness. Being a working mom with two young children at the end of the day it is nice to have a place to vent, share my thoughts, aks questions, gripes, inspirations, observations, etc. I look forward to the journey we will embark upon.

Happy Blogging!